Thursday, April 16, 2009
Lord get me high, get me high, get me higher
The rabbis in Bnei Brak stayed up all night taking about the Exodus… but why? Why would one do such a thing? These rebbes are wise people; they know the story, so why go over it continually? Key point…They studied this story all NIGHT… in the darkness…They were trying to find Hashem within the story in a time of darkness… which is hard… a lot of times in every day life it is hard to find and feel Hashem in situations in which spiritual consciousness isn’t so evident, when things are dark… it is in these situations that we need faith… we need to feel Hashem in the darkness and have faith that He is there, unconditionally… we need to have faith that where we are going is where we are intended to be; even if the destination and outcome isn’t so clear, we need to have faith that in leaving Mitzarim we will end up in a better place…a place better than dwelling in the comfort and familiarity of slavery… take a leap of faith…have faith in all of the other Jews and people struggling to find the courage to leave there own Mitzarim, their own place of narrowness (zar) within their souls… the unity of our Jewish people and the dreams of Yerushaylim make way for progress to a better life to genuine happiness...
So after studying the Exodus for hours and hours in the night trying to find Hashem they were interrupted by their students whom announced that it was time to say the morning Shema. The morning Shema: Hear, O Israel: Hashem is our G-d Hashem, the One and Only… a summary of faith that Hashem IS there, the One and the Only… no matter what, Hashem IS there…Why do you think we cover our eyes when we say the Shema? Yes of course it is to help us focus on the words we are saying but it is also to gain the consciousness and symbolize finding G-d within the darkness. The Shema even starts out by saying HEAR O Israel as opposed to SEE O Israel reinforcing that Hashem’s presence isn’t always so obvious and right in front of our eyes… Wow… Pesach… so much to think about… leaving Mitzarim having faith, moving on, making big decisions with out knowing if things will turn out the way expected, making decisions that may not seem so coherent to others but feel right within the heart and within the soul… Pesach, such a blessing to be able to dig deep and be reminded of the journey every time I make hamotzi and crunch into a piece of matzah, continually being reminded that I am not free yet, I need to get down to the basics, just the flour and water of my soul to see what it will take to leave Mitzarim in its entirety.
7 days of matzah cream cheese and jelly sandwiches, 7 days of matzah Pizza, 7 days of checking for kitniyot labels, and a strong power filled day of eating my very own homemade tuna and matzah sandwich in an Arab hotel restaurant in Petra… bemet… it really did happen…I was in my first non- kosher place in over 4 months and I pulled out my own Pesach friendly meal with my own utensils, said my brachot and smiled…devotion, faith, love, dedication…7 days of thinking, 7 days to think about what it means for me to cross the red sea…
The Red Sea, an act of G-d…truly…a faith internally, a faith in our people, a faith in our future, a faith in Hashem… I was talking some Torah with my puzzle piece, and he was explaining a Torah that he read that said something to the effect that the two things that are just as difficult as crossing the red sea is establishing a career and finding your soul mate… talk about leaving Mitzarim… having faith to be assertive and make decisions that will determine an alteration in the rest of ones life and here we are at the red sea, at the crossing the final push to making a decision that can never be retracted…and we did it… we pushed through, we walked along the naked ocean floor, we moved through the waters with faith to a place of no regret… to a place of new undiscovered territory…greater light… greater breath… and a more defined faith….just do it…
Everything has been happening as it should, Pesach was such a blessing…really such an opportunity for instigated growth…my mom and step dad have been in town and I have gotten the chance to spend time with family, which has been such a constant value in my contemplation for moving forward. Being with family, feeling the love, feeling familiarity and sharing a space, that beforehand for them wasn’t fully understood… but now once again… clarity was obtained… we dwelled and experienced within a mutual element that enabled for indescribable understanding and acceptance to subtly take place… they got it, they felt it… and I couldn’t have asked for anything more… We toured Petra together, we explored the Holy tunnels of the Kotel together, and we toured Israel from up near the heavens in an armored IDF (Israeli defense Force) helicopter, met with soldiers watched mock sneak attacks on smugglers crossing from Egypt into our Holy land… We flew from Har Sagi to Har Harif (both of which are in the deep deserts of the Israel- Egypt border, we met with female soldiers my age that have decide to demonstrate their love for Israel in ways different from mine but significantly similar and just as genuine, we stood inside of a bomb shelter that we donated last year in Ashkelon, a bomb shelter that saved the lives on fifty people during the recently passed Aza operation. What a blessing… what a Pesach… Given the opportunity to literally gain perspective from up above…wow… but now here we are, Pesach is over and we are literally tasting freedom again…but still we have not reach redemption until we have been given the Torah… days of counting, days on consciousness, days of hairy legs and days of mourning souls lie ahead… everything is connected…don’t forget… life is a process not a magic trick… be in it… feel it… and I ask Hashem to bless each of us to reach a place of clarity in our lives a clarity equivalent to freedom- whether in terms of figuring out what to do post graduation, or contemplating which major to finally settle down in or which classes to take; or pondering how to spiritually advance in ones journey or how to bring the light of Yerushalyim into you heart and soul regardless of where your physical body dwells, Please lead us, unite us… Blessings and light to all, missing each of you… תרבחו ותסעדו…
Thank you for your inspirations and love
Sunday, March 29, 2009
For my sister Emily…
I am here…
BaBoom, BaBoom
I am surrounded…
BaBoom, BaBoom
I am present in a sphere of vessels
Connecting to life on the outside and sustaining life on the inside
An unknown rhythmic flow providing merely hints into a past, present and future
BaBoom, BaBoom
A space for contemplating personal growth
Surrounded by a loving glow, and welcomed with a loving echo
I am here…
BaBoom, BaBoom
A warm space, a pulse of new light
A divine breath, a connection
BaBoom, BaBoom
A space of growth- A space of comfort- A space of healing
Growing- Becoming- Growing
Channels of blessings flow
Flowing inward from above, from the outside on the inside
Flowing inward into a blooming soul
BaBoom, BaBoom
A human becoming, A human connecting, A human image
A space only shared with one other,
Only one other who understands my journey
My growing path, my beginning space
A common warmth, a common comfort
No other ever able to comprehend
Another soul sprouting within the same atmosphere
Faced with the same gasps for air
We are one…
BaBoom, BaBoom
One beat…
BaBoom, BaBoom, BaBoom, BaBoom
One part independent, Two parts equal…
BaBoom, BaBoom
One love…
BaBoom, BaBoom
One light…
I am here with you my sister
BaBoom, BaBoom
Sunday, March 22, 2009
ויחד לבבנ
“ויחד לבבנו” as it says in the 2nd Bracha before the K’riat Sh’ma… we see within the word for heart that the letter “ב” is written twice in a row …according to a midrash…this repetition is thought to symbolize the unification of the lev tov (the good heart) and the lev ra (the bad heart) or simply just to further demonstrate the for unification in general…the unification of a people…. The unification of “am Israel” (nation of Israel)
I woke up this morning fairly tired but full of light from a marvelous Shabbat- filled with new friends and new family, good food and good words of Torah, good songs and beautiful blessings…I was ready to start the day and had the intention of going to Yeshivat Simchat Shlomo to do my weekly Sunday learning…but… I missed my bus and couldn’t make it to class on time… so, instead I went to breakfast and did some reading for my spirituality class that I am taking at Hebrew U… I read about the oneness of man and the idea of G-d being “within the self” rather than “up above” as explained by Arthur Green. I ate my muesli and sipped my Americano. My thoughts began to fade in and out between words of divinity and my planned schedule for the rest of the day. I checked my watch and saw that the next class at Simchat Shlomo would be starting soon so I paid my bill and went on my way. I got to my “Siddur and Tefilla Content Skills class” and we began talking in depth about the Sh’ma and the blessings before and after (which is were the thoughts in my opening first paragraph mostly came from) Our class lasted about an hour and a half and I was inspired but felt the need to dwell more on what I was just taught. Rebbe Nachman stresses the importance of living the Torah that one learns. If you learn, and then you pray to instill what you learned into your life, this pattern will continue to build and strengthen your connection to the world, to Hashem, to Judaism, to yourself etc. So I left the class with the intention of meditating a bit on the bus home on what I had just learned. I hoped to relax, contemplate and figure out what these new words of Torah meant to me in my life and how I wanted to grow from this new knowledge. So there I stood at my bus stop waiting for the 23 and I began to think, what do I want to bring into this world… I want to heal, I want to bring light, I want to bring smiles, I want to love, I want to be loved, I want to comfort (the list goes on)….it was at that moment I heard a scream… I snapped out of my thoughts, opened my eyes to the world and looked up… an older man was hit by a bus. He had been walking between the curb and the buses trying to balance himself with a his cane and a bus drove by and knocked him over… he wasn’t run over by the bus but he had fallen and hit his nose and head on the curb and was bleeding severly… I didn’t know what to do… I couldn’t even fully process what was going on… I wanted help in some way but didn’t know how to. There were so many people trying to help I figured I should just let the other people take care of him especially since they spoke his language… Some people handed him tissues and others just stared…. There was a religious British women who was standing on the sidelines with me who I could tell was contemplating how she could help just as I was….she took a step forward and helped the old man to a bus stop bench… someone gave her a bottle of water and she looked right at me and handed me the water bottle…the next thing we knew… we were both sitting on a bus bench with a crowd of people around us watching as she held tons of tissues on his gushing eyebrow and nose and I sat on the other side of him with my hand on his shoulder offering him water and doing my best to talk to him in Hebrew and try to clam him down… the poor man was so scared… and maybe even a bit embarrassed… I sat there; water in hand thinking… how I got into this situation… everything happened so suddenly… and now here I am… I was living my prayer…I was healing, I was comforting…. this is what was supposed to happen… I transformed into a vessel for Hashem to bring healing and comfort into the world….what a blessing… what a sign…. There was and Israeli girl next to me phoning the Magen David Adom (ambulance)… help was on the way…. ONENESS…. Oneness at its finest… me and the other two women uniting to help a hurting body…our hearts unified to provide strength and comfort for a heart filled with fear and pain… …ONESS…wow…. What an experience…. After the man was taken away, we knew he would be okay…I then grabbed the hands of the British women and asked her what her name was…Shoshanna Levi…. We looked at each other in the eyes and smiled…. a smile from the deepest parts of our soul…a smile that embraced the joyfulness of acting on behalf of G-d and kindness… we then squeezed each others hands and said Shavua Tov… after this “balagan” I wanted to laugh, cry and smile all at the same time… I felt so blessed…
I took a deep breath and tried to run through what I had just experienced… I couldn’t comprehend it all… minutes went by and the bus stop hustle and bustle continued as normal. I watched people walk by knowing that they had no idea what happened at this very spot 20 minutes prior. I was still waiting for my bus… constantly weaving through people trying to get a glimpse at the lit up numbers on the front of the buses…. Still… no 23… someone grabbed my arm… it was the Israeli girl from before who had called for the ambulance… she said to me in Hebrew “he needs the 25” and she pointed to a blind man… I was in shock another mitzvah to do… I giggled while still kind of crying and said okay… so there I stood this time with a blind man holding onto my arm… telling him in Hebrew the number of every bus that passed by… finally the 25 came and I helped him onto the bus and wished him a good day. He smiled a big smile and said thank you. I smiled back knowing that he would feel it within his heart. His bus drove away…and I was still smiling… I looked up and said in a whisper “okay…I get it Hashem”… Live your Prayer….We are one breath, within one unified soul, walking in each others foot steps…be the best YOU that YOU can be and peace will be brought into the world… Shavua Tov… I miss you all
Blessings,
C
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
הקשת בפנים: The Rainbow Within
I was sitting in ulpan (intensive Hebrew class) today unable to focus. My mind was detached and had expanded beyond the four walls which surrounded my physical body and I was gone. Not here nor there, just gone. I hear my “morah” (teacher) but I don’t really hear her. I catch words here and there, but most of the comprehension is drowned out by my frustration of not being able to communicate and express my thoughts and emotions fully and clearly. My interactions with individuals have been constricted to a first grade reading/grammar level and my inner stress is continually high as I find myself in situations in which I can’t answer simple questions like, “Would you like your meal… for here or to go?”… it’s another challenge, another opportunity to learn and to grow. A chance to practice transcendence and sanctity of mundane moments within this world and make them positive, make them into a blessing.
There is a divinity within all things, a light which can illuminate a mind a soul a people a world….the task is accessibility. How can we bring light into this world? When there is light there is always darkness…how can we find peace within the duality of existence? Can the light shine through? I pondered.
I shifted my focus from the doodles over scripted Hebrew words in my notebook to the window of the outside world. And I found my smile. A rainbow arching over east Jerusalem, which automatically initiated a mirrored response of arching expression on my face. A natural wonder, a reminder of covenant and divine creation. Often in the sky, there are clouds creating separation, blocking and filtering the suns bursting light rays; the sun, a flaming ball of light unable to express itself to its fullest potential is consequently inhibited from accessing this world…. but then a rainbow; a breakthrough of inner divine light, sweeps across the sky connecting and creating a fearless bridge between the worlds… a moment in which full expression of ones true colors is visible and accessible in its entirety. These moments of magical, glowing light arrive simultaneously with moments of happiness and love. Light is always accessible. Light shines between the souls of old friends as they embrace one another. Faces glow when met with unexpected ‘coincidental’ friendly encounters. Thoughts of love, friends getting married and upcoming chagim illuminate and excite the heart and mind. Light beams up towards the heavens when eyes lock for unknown explanations. Light pours out of the mouths of those singing harmonies which express inner emotions indescribable through words. The enormity of light that can be brought into this physical world is unfathomable. We are blessed with the gift of physical bodies as tools for creating spiritual illumination. Light will continue to shine through and there will always be a rainbow.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The Beauty of Grandeur
Wow… I live in
In a more physical world…Overall… things are great! I live in a very small two bedroom apartment on campus (Har Tzofim) with three other girls in religious housing (Idelson Dormitory). It is definitely tight living quarters, but livable. Basically, we have two bedrooms with two of us in each room, a very small kitchen, a very tiny toilet room, a tiny shower room and a barely existent mirpeset (porch/balcony) not quite sukkah worthy but good for drying clothes. My roommates and I get along very well and we are all each on a religious journey of a sort, which is exciting. All three of my roommates are Israeli; which is such a great opportunity for me to practice my Hebrew! Two of them (Shanit & Oshrat) are best friends from the army. Shanit is from
Class is good… I am in Ulpan right now, which is intensive Hebrew class. Basically, I have Hebrew every day except for Fridays and Saturdays from 8:30am- 2pm… it is hard but I am learning a lot. I start normal classes in about 3 weeks. I am taking a course called ‘Contemporary Spirituality in
<3car
Adventures on Allenby
I went to Tel Aviv 4 times time this past week: First Time (1/29) - Girls טיול (trip) to Nachlat Benyamin, Tel Aviv’s weekly Art & Craft Fair….it was a good time although Sara, Alana and I stayed back at the hostel and slept through most of the טיול. Second Time (2/1) - Lunch with my dearest friend from camp, Tony Morris…he is moving to Australia for four months, this was our goodbye lunch until we see each other at camp again this summer. Third Time (2/4)- Dinner with Year Course kids (of course my love David Berlin), past/present camp Mishlachat, Sandra Bass and the rest of the CJ crew…great time, great food…can’t wait for camp this summer, Chalutzim 2009! The Fourth Time (2/5) Oy, the Fourth Time… what an adventure…let me tell you about it:
Weaving through people on the third floor of the Tachanah Merkazit (Central Bus Station) of Yerushalyim, my watched showed 17:59… I had one minute to get to my bus destined for Tel Aviv, a night of mayhem was waiting. I ran with my Irish coffee in hand to station 14 where I met my bearded companion (Joshua Lyle). I pushed my way through the line which oozed out of the accordion style bus doors. Bumping into large over packed duffel bags and even larger Israeli attitudes, I stepped onto the bus and handed the driver 20 shekels “Achat L’Tel Aviv Bevacasha” (One to Tel Aviv please) in my best Israeli accent …Ahh, what a sigh of relief I made it…I scanned the bus looking for a seat…כלום (nothing) not one seat open. Josh was pushed out of sight to the back of the bus and I was left in the center isle, towards the front. I looked at the bus driver expecting him to ask me to get off and wait for the next bus, but he looked back at me in his rearview mirror and said “Kol beseder, kol besder, ain ba’aya” (its all okay, its all okay, no problem) I was confused… but prepared to stand in the center isle of an old greyhound bus for the next hour and fifteen minutes as I ventured to Tel Aviv.
The bus began to move and I began to loose my balance, a few people giggled at the confused American girl (me... obviously) straddling the center isle and bracing myself between seat backs. I thought to myself, “Kol beseder, kol besder, ain ba’aya”. I looked around at all of the passengers on the bus… there were soldiers in uniform that I assumed were going home for Shabbat, a few Muslim women, a young couple sleeping head to shoulder, Arsim with their slicked back hair pondering about their upcoming night out on the town, a high tech Israeli kid with fashionable thick framed glasses held in place by top of the line Bose Head phones that were attached to his scratch-less laptop…what a diverse group.
The driver had a Celiene Dion CD playing in the background and I couldn’t help but laugh at the hilarity of the entire situation…Here I am… in Israel… on a bus to Tel Aviv that is outrageously over crowded….I am practically tumbling up and down the isles of a grey hound bus… accidentally stepping on toes and unintentionally pulling peoples hair as I attempted to brace myself and find my balance…. And Celion Dion has the nerve to scream at me loudly over the speakers about how she is my lady and I am her man and how when I reach out to her she will to all that she can…Oy Va Voy…what a scene! When I didn’t think the situation could get any funnier or awkward an older woman with a babushkah on her head starts tapping my tush and screaming at me in Hebrew. I had absolutely no idea what she was saying to me… I wasn’t sure if I offended her or maybe I stepped on her… no idea… so I ignored her but she continued to hit me… People were beginning to stare…I finally made out the words “אין מקום” (no place) and “פה יושבת” (sit here)…. She was insistent… suddenly she grabbed my torso and literally pulled me onto her lap… I was in shock I had no idea what to do… I was hysterical laughing inside but somewhat terrified on the outside… I had absolutely no idea what was going on. But through context clues I gathered that she wanted me to sit on her lap for the entire one hour and fifteen minute bus drive since I didn’t have a seat. So I gave in… and I sat on some unclaimed bubbies lap for the ENTIRE bus ride… oh man…I have no words to explain my emotion during this awkward seating arrangement….
When we arrived, the sketchy alleys we wandered were fairly quiet and the roads were still damp from the day’s earlier drizzle. We made our way to a hole in the wall bar featuring overly priced drinks and complimentary olives. Afterwards, we stumbled to a near by club that was having a Bob Marley tribute concert in honor of Bob Marley’s Birthday and the first black president in the US. We broke our way through a plastered wall of smoke, sipped chai tea and nibbled on chocolate balls that we were given to us by Zionist Rastafarians outside. We wandered through the sea of bobbing dredlocked heads and finally reached front and center stage. The concert didn’t start until 1:30am! But it was fantastic and such a blast! We danced and sang and danced and… “sang”…. all night long. We left at about 3:30am and eventually made it back to our hostel. In the morning Sara, Jacob and I woke up early and went out for a fantastic breakfast while Josh, Micah, Isaac and Zach stayed sleeping. We had Museli, cucumbers, tomatoes, tahini, fresh jam, shakshukah, fruit & milk smoothies, salad, cheese, bread… Yum! We then made our way to Nachlat Benyamin, the art fair that I mentioned before and checked out all of the cool chachskies people were selling… There was a dance troop from Ghana randomly breakin’ it down between Rehov (street) Allenby & Rehov Karmel before the Shabbat craziness started… I decided to hang around there for a bit and capture still moments within in the hectic movement of Tel Aviv city life via my digital camera … then, it was time to head back home to Yerushalyim to prepare for Shabbat Shira… but rather than taking a bus…this time we decided to take a shayrut (a taxi)…